SQN - Sine Qua Non - Issue 1 - Journal - Page 75
SINE QUA NON
Channel. I don't know if Jules is attracted to me, but I have a hard time telling normal polite
behavior from I-kind-of-like-you behavior, especially at two in the morning. If I lean against
Jules as we sit on the couch, they don't seem to mind.
***
When Jules told me they didn't have the best relationship with their parents, I nodded
and frowned. I'm getting used to the idea that both my parents have been dead for five years.
Dad had the heart attack when he was fifty-nine and Mom had the stroke when she was fiftyeight, tragic things that are supposed to happen to people who were older than my parents
at the time.
I wanted to live in this house because I liked the idea of forging a family, having people
knock on my door when they needed help, and not minding if I did the same thing. Jules
knows I have good days and bad days, and they think my canes are natty. I like the word natty.
After dinner, Isobel and I stay at Jules’s place for a bit and relax on their couch. Isobel likes
looking through Jules's anatomy textbooks. Jules understands more about strokes and heart
attacks and blood clots than I ever will. They also know that having MS means my immune
system is backfiring, attacking the protective covering over my nerves, leading to times when
I want to become a sloth.
I sit beside Jules while Isobel pages through their anatomy books, peering at all the
things I don't want to think are under my skin.
***
Sometimes becoming another creature is logical. I often think about the story of the
frog prince, and if the prince was ever upset that he decided to kiss the princess and turn
back into a person. Then he had to worry about ruling a kingdom, collecting taxes from his
subjects who probably bitched about it, and going to war because kings were always going to
war, or someone was deciding to have a war with them. Then he'd have to assemble an army
and leave his family and risk life and limb for some stupid battle. As he was about to lead the
charge, did he ever think Screw this, I should have stayed a frog?
***
Jules keeps their arm around my shoulders while Isobel reads about the circulatory
system. They ask if I'd like a cup of tea. I say that would be lovely. There's enough pasta and
garlic bread for tomorrow night's dinner, whether or not my brother is a hedgehog. We could
have Jules over if they wouldn't mind leftovers.
***
In her living room upstairs, Miriam has pictures of twenty years' worth of renters, along
with her kids and grandkids. She tells me about everyone on nights when it’s her turn to
make dinner, since she uses my kitchen. Miriam has been a mother to student teachers and
medical students and nurses like Jules and administrative assistants like me, though she says
I'm the first person who's worked for the city, knows the council members by name, and talks
with the mayor on a regular basis. For her this is rubbing elbows with the political elite. For
me it's a nine-to-five where I can switch tasks long enough to get through the day even when
I'm a sloth.
***
Mom told me that sometimes when I was a toddler I'd be a hummingbird for a few
hours, but I grew out of that quickly. Isobel only wants to change names so far. Izzy one week,
Bella the next, then just Bell. I gave her nametags so she could let me know her most recent
preference. She likes coming to meals with “Hello My Name Is” on her pink shirt. I figure
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